1 Week

So this might seem like a negative post so I'm warning you now.... Jack goes in next Monday, I can't believe it's this close already. I have lot's of people telling me that everything will be ok, that lot's have done this thing and have done such a good job at bouncing back in the recovery process, and I totally get all of that. I even agree, but then my reality jumps in and I want to scream, but this is my son, this is my little man that has to do this, I don't know any of these others who have had the surgery and recovered well, I only know my little man. Our little guy with the huge smile that shows all of his crazy teeth, the little man who is doing aWeSoMe things right now, like going from sitting to standing up for a second all by himself - not holding on to anything!!! I worry not about the scar but about how the scar got there, about what had to happen to give him that scar, I worry about seeing him for the first time after, with not only the major incision covered up, but I worry about the other tubes that he has to have coming out of him. I worry about something going on during the surgery that will cause new issues to come up. I worry... that is where I am at right now worry, stress and totally freaking out. Sometimes I feel just numb, I know how scared I am but I also know that I still have to function somehow and I think the way to do that is to go numb to all the thoughts of the surgery and move forward. I'm like drifting along through my days totally numb to the feelings of me screaming inside, but that is what Moms have to do sometimes.... put on that smile for your little ones so they know you aren't scared about anything, go through your day to day events as if nothing huge is on the horizon. I know my stress is coming out a little, I'm being a little short with Elle and I feel horrible about it but I can't be perfect and that little girl knows what buttons to push with me and everyone in the family : ) For now though I'm trying just to hug them all... not take any moment - good or bad -for granted... I love when elle will come and give me hugs and say something that is so grown up, it's funny and crazy to hear all at the same time... I love how when Jack wakes up from a nap or from sleeping and I go in and pick him up, he just snuggles so perfectly with me and does it every time... it's our special little moment and I look forward to it every day... and finally I love how Marley is starting to talk and smile back at me after I tell her how pretty she is she will get ready to say something and have this beautiful sound come out and then she smiles, the sweetest little grin I've ever seen... These moments I could just live in, I love them and just by putting those memories down in writing I have made myself happy again, not numb to anything - just happy with the little blessings I have : )